Let's Get Ready to RUUUMMMMBBBLLLEE!-

Thursday May 10, 2012

The morning comes way too soon. It was a very long and emotional night full of beeping noises, viral checks, and the sound of vomiting in the hallway. I tossed and turned all night thinking this has to be a mistake. I cannot have the "C" word. How could it be? I was feeling so great!

Dr. T knocks on my hospital room door and greets me with his friendly smile. He realizes the difficult night I had with pain and nausea because he too was called a few times throughout the night for medication orders. Dr. T confirms my labs. There is no mistake. I have leukemia. I am scheduled in Radiology at 9 am to get a bone marrow biopsy and a PICC line placed in my bicep for chemotherapy. The bone marrow testing will distinguish one of two types of Leukemia, acute myeloid or acute lymphoblastic. Whichever one is eating my good blood cells alive will have to be killed by chemo.

I come out of radiology and I look like a the incredible hulk but only on one side. Will my skin turn green next? I already have black and blue bruises up and down my arms from all the blood draws. Hopefully, the PICC will stop all the prodding.

It's 2:30 and I am awakened by the sweet voice of Shan's mother Ann saying, "Well hi there". Her voice is so sweet and pure. Dr. Shariff follows behind and asks how I am feeling. The four of us immediately start discussing options. 4:30 comes around and Dr. T walks into the room. The bone marrow tests have come back and I have acute myeloid leukemia. He says that he is confident in 90% remission after a few rounds of chemo and he is hopeful. We bounce back ideas of fertility options to preserve what I have left. Unfortunately, we do not have the time. This leukemia is aggressive and attacking my body at a very rapid rate. We need to move fast. I will tell you what was moving fast- my heart and head were spinning in circles. I am so fatigued I can't comprehend all of this. After much discussion, we opt to fore go any kind of fertility preservation and start chemotherapy immediately.

I have already tried to prepare myself for the road ahead. I will probably lose my hair- but it's only hair. I have already sent texts to my mom and best friend to send me some cute hats and scarves. I will rock my baldness with pride. If Demi , Sinead, and Brittney can do it, so can i!

I am sitting here in my room besides my ever so supportive soul mate. Shan has been wonderful through this all, even putting up with my crankiness. Outside the window, is the beautiful Dallas skyline with twinkling lights, and the background noise is that of the Lakers vs. Nuggets playoff game. The score is 85-61 Denver. The nurse has just walked in, it's time now for my very first chemo treatment. I am ready for this battle, it will not defeat me.

Kidney Stones......So I thought.

This is for you, for me, and for those who want to follow my journey.

Tuesday May 8, 2012

My back was hurting all of a sudden Tuesday around noon. I felt great that morning. Tired- yes, but that wasn't uncommon for me. Shan does call me a vampire after all they way I sleep. I left work early Tuesday due to the intense pain. Having just moved to Dallas in January, I had no primary but found one within my insurance network. We will call her Doctor A. She was kind and patient as she listened to my symptoms. I asked could it be related to my female issues with Ovarian Cysts or something else. I have never felt this pain before. It hurt to bend, move, sit, you name it- it hurt. She pushed on the areas where my kidneys are and I shouted in pain. She said it appears that I could possibly have kidney stones. Kidney Stones? I thought to myself- don't only old people get kidney stones??? Dr. A sent me to get a CT scan. She said to drink plenty of fluids and she would call with the results in the morning.

Wednesday May 9, 2012

Shan came home from work a little after 10 and sat beside me in bed asking how I felt. I told him I felt like shit. He asked if I had heard from Dr. A. I told him that I hadn't but I would give her a call. He left to go to the gym. Meanwhile, Dr. A was with patients and would call me in between. A few minutes later the phone rang. It was Dr. A. She said the CT scan came back normal. No stones were seen in the scan and everything appeared fine. She said I probably had a kidney infection and that she had called in an order of antibiotics, nausea medication, and a pain medication at the Target Pharmacy.

Fast forward about 30 minutes and I am at Target. I had a loofah in my hand for the shower, turquoise to match the new bathroom decor, q-tips, and a few other essentials when my phone rang. I was waiting for the pharmacist to bring up my prescriptions. "Hello" I answered. "Jacque, it's Dr. A. Where are you? Are you with your boyfriend?" I replied that I was at Target picking up the medications she prescribed and he was at home. "I got your lab results back and I need to speak with you about them. I need to see you in my office right now." I asked what was wrong, what was the matter. She insisted that she needed to see me to give me the results. "Am I pregnant?" I asked. "No, you are not pregnant but I do need to see you." My body went numb. I dropped everything in my arms at the end of the aisle and bolted to my car. What the hell could it be?

I walked into her office. There was a cute little girl playing on the floor and coloring with her mom. Dr. A called my name and escorted me into the same room I was in the day before. She started to talk about running the blood results. My body was shaking at this point. She started to talk about cells, white vs. red. I asked her, please tell me. What is it? Cancer? I thought it couldn't be. She grabbed my hand and said the most terrifying words I had ever heard, "Yes, you have what appears to be cancer of the blood. Acute Leukemia." I screamed NO! I clenched my stomach. I screamed out "PLEASE GOD, NO!" Dr. A. said she was so sorry. She included the business card of the best Oncologist she knows in Dallas. I will call him Dr. T. She said she had made a call to his office and for me to be expecting a call. I would have an appointment to meet him today. She said I needed to go home, talk with Shan, pack a bag since he would be admitting me, and wait for his call. That was the longest 7 minute ride home.....

I walked in and Shan was in the doorway to our bedroom. I was crying hysterically. He said "What? What's wrong?' I told him the blood results came back and it showed acute leukemia- Cancer. He just kept yelling NO! NO! Please, No! I hugged him and told him it would be okay. Over the course of the next hour, phone calls were made. Shan called his Dad to find out what all the medical mumbo jumbo was and to help explain it. Dr. T's office called and said I needed to be there by 3. Needless to say, we had no idea what we had in store.

We met with Dr. T who is now my Oncologist. At 32, I never thought I would be saying oncologist. Dr. T was like a angel. He was soft spoken. He had such empathy in his voice and his compassion was beyond words. All I could do was cry. Was this really happening to me? He went through the typical questions. Do you have this? Have you noticed that? What are your symptoms now? We asked if the results from Dr. A were accurate and what the possibility was that it was incorrect. He said that unless my blood was switched, it was accurate. He was admitting me into Methodist Hospital of Dallas for further testing. 7 pm registration. This HAS to be just a bad dream. Wake-up Jacque, wake-up. I pinched myself.........this is for real.